Category Archives: Humor

Some (More) Forgotten Retro Console Peripherals, Part 2

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Posted by MattC on April 6, 2012 – 12:06 pm
Filed under Editorial, Gaming, Humor
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By Matt Conlin

I couldn’t resist creating a sequel to this series because there are just so many awkwardly funny accessories for video games that people either forgot about or wish never existed (although we all remember how awful the Duckhunt gun was). So, without further ado, I bring you part two…

I want to start this post out with the Sega CD. This add-on was not only an awkward box that sat practically on top of your Genesis, it had at most maybe a handful of games. And it had several equally awkward reincarnations. They are all equally useless in my opinion but I know some people beg to differ. All it did really was add a CD-Rom drive to the console that allowed some extra games and the ability to play music. What made this device useful was Sonic CD. It was the top video game for that add-on. Amazingly, though, it was labeled the Best New Peripheral of 1992 by Electronic Gaming Monthly. I wonder if they regret that list.

Another bad accessory was the U-Force. This peripheral had two infrared sensors. Okay, so it was kind of cool that it was the beginnings of motion sensor controllers. It was ranked the eighth worst controller by IGN, and in the top ten worst by MSN. Pretty much nobody likes this thing. It didn’t work and it was a waste of money. But I guess the dream of a motion controller was just so ingrained in the mindset of the late 80s/ early 90s that its invention was inevitable.

And I know I’m going to get a kick in the pants for this one but I cannot help it– in my opinion the Gameboy Camera was also pretty awful.  Not only did it take awful pictures, they were useless because you can only get them off the portable console using the Gameboy Printer to turn them into low quality stickers. Not only that but you get creepy “error” faces followed by a disturbing sound when you accidentally hit the “Run” button. The text “Who are you running from?” appears on the screen, because you know, children won’t be scared by vandalized clown faces asking you if you’re running away.

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Some (Hopefully) Forgotten Retro Console Peripherals, Part 1

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Posted by MattC on April 3, 2012 – 4:03 pm
Filed under Editorial, Gaming, Humor
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By Matt Conlin

For anybody who has played the Gyromite you may remember a certain little robot that resembled Johnny 5 from Short Circuit. He was called R.O.B. (Robotic Operating Buddy). He was used as a peripheral accessory for a few video games on the original NES, most specifically Gyromite and Stack-Up. He was used mostly as a marketing ploy as a way to counteract retailer fears that video games had seen their end in 1983 with the crash in the industry. It reminds me though how there are plenty of ridiculously forgotten peripherals for video game systems. I guess we wanted to bury them deep in the dirt just like the Atari 2600 E.T. game. I will name a few in this post, for your enjoyment. If you want more please feel free to comment.

One of these so called bad accessories is the NES Power Glove. Advertised to make you feel like getting one would make you a cyborg, this thing was actually a terrible device. Not only was its motion sensors funky, it often made playing your games more difficult. The buttons were faulty too. I guess Nintendo learned its lesson because the Wiimote was far less annoying to figure out and actually works.

But there’s yet another “controller” that boggles my mind the most. The Mindlink. This Atari accessory is just plain ridiculous. It claimed to “read your mind” so that you can play video games. What it actually did was read your eyebrow movement and your forehead wrinkles.

Mind reading technology is not even available to the consumer market in 2012, let alone  the early 1980s. It’s a good thing it flopped so miserably in tests it didn’t see the light of day because it would probably induce severe migraines and induce a few hemorrhages from kids trying to focus too hard to play their video games.

And this is only the beginning. For more retro failures, check back for another installment.

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The Funniest Video Games Based On Products

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Posted by MattC on March 30, 2012 – 1:56 pm
Filed under Editorial, Gaming, Humor, Opinions
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By Matt Conlin

We make fun of the 1980s and the 1990s for their bad hairstyles and taste in clothes, as well as the use of the words “totally,” “gnarly,” and any sentence featuring “that was like so totally uncool when…”  but they’re just as embarrassing for some of their video games. Most of these were poorly made and yet they made enough of a splash that people remember them.

There are more than enough McDonald’s fast food video games to make childhood obesity a normal thing… oh wait. The red headed nightmare with the big smile would teach children in his video games that those who steal burgers need to be hunted down and executed. So, next time you steal a hamburger, be warned. Ronald McDonald will find you. He’s the Chuck Norris of fast food.

Also Chester the Cheetos Cheetah made some appearances on SNES. His games, like McDonald’s is teaching children things that they should eat unhealthy things and act like total tools while they do so. It’s amazing because the more people from the 90s I bump into, the more I think this deeply impacted their lives.

Another big one I remember is the Kool Aid game. Kool-Aid Man, as it was called, was made for Atari. This game looks kind of like a rip-off of space invaders. You shoot Kool Aid at “thirsties” to make them go away. So basically, Kool Aid fights imaginary monsters from infiltrating your pool. That’s not creepy enough to give kids nightmares.

And then there’s Cool Spot. As the mascot for 7UP he had two very successful Genesis and SNES video games. Cool Spot and Spot! Goes To Hollywood. Why they needed the exclamation point, I have no idea. All I know is that this was a total guilty pleasure. The game was fun to play, even if the controls were problematic. And the graphics were kinda cool. But yet again we get a sunglasses toting cool guy.

And these are just the popular games. Imagine how many there are that were so bad you don’t even remember them. Does the Burger King, Doritos, or some popular cleaning products ring a bell? Those all have game tie-ins too.

 

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THROWBACK: Super Smash Brothers N64 Original Trailer

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Posted by EricM on February 23, 2012 – 10:19 am
Filed under Gaming, Humor, Opinions
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By Eric Marmon

ba ba ba BA, ba ba ba BA

N64 was the original party console, and Smash was one of its greatest multi-player offers. Quick matches, a plethora of different levels, unlockable characters… even different color Pikachu! To my dismay, Smash became a staple of my College Experience. And I only use the word dismay because of the eight guys I lived with, I was unquestionably the worst at it.

However, as great as the actual game Super Smash Brothers for N64 was and still is, its awesomeness pales in comparison to the true genius of the original trailer.

The joy and excitement experienced by N64 junkies in the 90′s when Mario sticks his leg out to trip Yoshi is a pleasure no current video game preview can rival. Sure, I get why an epic trailer like the one for Mass Effect 3 gives people goosebumps. The 120-second video novella acts like a poor mans Iron Sky.

But in no way will any sci-fi silent-movie Independence Day-wannabe clip show ever be able to top what The Turtles and four guys in mascot costumes provided us way back when. Mario, Luigi, Ness… these were the good guys! If anything, they should be teaming up to take on all the galaxy s evil!

But wait, what? They were all gonna fight each other? I could take Star Fox against Link? Samus could shoot missiles at Donkey Kong? Yoshi could eat Captain Falcon? This was a good-on-good battle never previously imagined, a true collision of worlds, and the script was entirely up to us! Brilliance in its simplest and most ingenious form.

And anybody who plays with Kirby is an asshole.

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Skyrim 2012 Proves 100 Pickpocket Is Still King

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Posted by ChristineM on January 17, 2012 – 10:44 am
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By Christine Melgarejo

Video game parody videos are a dime a dozen and most just aren’t worth mentioning. But one I came across today in the Skyrim subReddit was worth it. Skyrim 2012 is the gameplay and the story of Skyrim set in our present day and it’s hilarious. As a big fan of the game, I definitely chuckled to myself a few times watching it with it’s various references.

 

 

I feel like if this was real life, I’d more more apt to go out and do day to day mundane things like grocery shopping. I’d sneak and steal everything and then use my position as Thane to thwart the police. Free Twinkies? Yes please!

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Games I Can’t Play: Steroid Edition

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Posted by JohnF on November 8, 2011 – 2:36 pm
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By John Forkner

Batman fever is running rampant, what with these critics throwing around 9.5s like they’re going out of style. I’m getting in on it too, sitting down to play my brand new copy of Arkham Asylum.

Wait wait wait…surely I mean Arkahm City, right?

No. Just the one about the Loony Bin. While everyone else is zip-lining around Arkham City like a Spider-bat, I’m going to try to play this here $9 downloadable Steam copy. I can’t promise I’ll get any further than last time.

Last time.

I brought home a shiny new PS3 Slim and a hot-off-the-presses copy of Arkham Asylum to give the console its first test run. After all, I read the reviews like everybody else. And like everybody else, I was told that no one could resist the game’s crime fighting charms. Beating up on the entire retinue of Batman villains rendered with eerily large pores in that Bioshock-y waxwork sort of way? What could be finer?

I was immediately faced with the fact that Batman was enormous. Standing still or walking, his bat-back took up half the screen. I felt as if I was looking at a baby elephant with a cape when I wanted, instead, to be taking in the crazy surroundings.

But once I got Batman to move the crap out of the way, I was faced with problem number two. Batman’s character model.

The deal breaker.

Okay, maybe I’M the crazy one here. But I simply cannot play games in which the protagonist is that roided out. When I played Duke Nukem for the first time, I was so disturbed and guilt-ridden by the size of the character’s muscles on the box art that I did a round of push-ups and sit-ups between every level.

When Chris Redfield’s freakishly bulbous arms burst forth in Resident Evil 4–the triceps of said arms which were in a state of flexing even when they WEREN’T–I spent the entire game shaking my head “no”, and even being kind of glad when the zombies (or whatever they are now…oh that poor franchise) overwhelmed him. Aw…come on Chris? Where’s that ‘roid rage I hear so much about?

 

And I’ve never set my hands NEAR an Xbox controller which had a running copy of Gears of War.

The comic book Batman, like all his superhero brethren, is essentially a hyper-idealized male nude with color and lines to make it look like he’s wearing a spandex suit. I’m fine with that.

What I wasn’t fine with on my first attempt at Arkham Asylum was the fact that Batman wasn’t just buff, he was offensively, nay, MORBIDLY muscular. Eight pack abs. Arms bigger than his head. Thighs that would have rubbed a hole in between his bat-tights.

Bruce Wayne was obviously using some sort of illegal “Bat Juice” and burning every free second of his day either in the Bat Gym or trying on extra small black t-shirts at the Gap. This was not the strong, blocky Batman of my beloved Animated Series of the 90s. This was the male version of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation. Yes. THAT one.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomb_Raider:_The_Last_Revelation

Okay. So I’m an image-conscious New Yorker who has dealt with male body image issues in the past. I was a scrawny, pale dork in my childhood years. As I’ve reached adulthood, I’ve tried to at least change the “scrawny” part, but I’m what they call a “hard gainer”. It ain’t easy and means I’m eating bowls of mashed potatoes and sticks of butter at every meal.

Thus, I truly appreciate the videogame everyman. The awkward Nathan Drakes and Dirk the Darings. The Links, both chibi-child and emo-teen. Heck, the overweight Marios. Guys and gals who aren’t too different from you, facing unbelievable odds and somehow coming out on top.

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Surviving a Hurricane With Video Games

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Posted by ChristineM on August 28, 2011 – 12:28 pm
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By Christine Melgarejo

New York City has just gotten through “Hurricane” Irene. I put “hurricane” in quotes because by the time it reached landfall here, it was more a tropical storm.  Our entire public transportation system was shut down and people were urged to stay indoors.  Cut off from all civilization, I had nothing else to do but play games. And play games I did.

As we waited for our impending doom, I killed some robots and Nightstalkers in Fallout: New Vegas while exploring the Big MT, then went on a rampage killing soldiers and seeing flashes of creepy little Alma in F.E.A.R. 3. I even got my heart racing playing Amnesia: Dark Descent as the night fell. I had hours, hours of game time ahead of me being that I was stuck indoors. It seemed like every gamer’s dream.

And then, the boredom struck.

See, I’ve noticed when you CHOOSE to stay home and have a video game marathon, it’s much more fun than when you are FORCED to stay indoors and you are playing because there simple is nothing else to do. Suddenly, you want to abandon your addiction and actually, gasp, go outside. And it’s simply because you CAN’T that you want to head out there so much.

It also didn’t help that the storm amounted to nothing in my neck of the woods in Queens. So I felt even more trapped because frankly, there was no houses flying down the block or zombies being awaken from their graves because of the crazy weather. It was just some rain, some wind, and some serious  boredom.

So now the storm has passed, save for some high winds, but the MTA is still completely shut down, which means I essentially can’t go anywhere. Not that it would matter since everything is closed. So it looks like today will be another video game marathon day. And yet all the joy is gone. I’ll be shooting soldiers in the face and leveling up because I HAVE to.

It’s definitely a burden to bear, but I’ll do everything I can to manage.

 

 

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How Making Immoral Choices In Games Makes Me Feel Like a Douchebag

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Posted by ChristineM on August 16, 2011 – 10:10 am
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By Christine Melgarejo

 

There’s something really appealing about doing the wrong thing, especially when you can get away with it. And when it’s in the safe confines of a computer generated world, it’s even easier to make those decisions. Or is it?

There’s a part of me that loves the appeal of running around looting, killing NPCs and causing general mayhem. It’s why I love American role-playing games so much. They often have a moral system and a set of choices for you, the player, to explore. And I do the same with every game, be it Fallout, Knights of the Old Republic, Mass Effect or Elder Scrolls. I play the game first as a goody two shoes, saving the universe, helping out the down-trodden, being a noble citizen in this fantasy world.

And then I go bad.

Read More »

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Tiny Tower is Ruining My Life

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Posted by JohnF on August 10, 2011 – 12:38 pm
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by John Forkner

I play a ton of iPhone games.  Basically, if it hits the top 20, has 5 stars, and is 99 cents, I’m gonna download it.

But I may decide to revisit my fast-and-loose approach to downloading iPhone games.  Because Tiny Tower is ruining my life.

I don’t usually play those free sim games on the iPhone.  I don’t do Smurf Village or FarmVille or any of these other pay-as-you-play time sinks.  Because that’s just what they are.  They’re designed to progress at an agonizingly slow pace until the game wears you down.  It’s at that point that the temptation to click on the button for the all-too-easy-to-access bank where you can exchange real-life money for fake game money so you can buy crap to speed the game along.

When Tiny Tower first popped up on the iTunes charts, accompanied by some very positive reviews among gaming sites, I figured…meh.  What the heck. DOWNLOAD.

My tower is now 50 stories tall.  I have 90 bitizens living in stylish apartments, many of whom have the job of their dreams.

If only that could be said of me.

You see, I want to delete this game from my iPhone.  It’s not fun.  Not even for a minute.  Let me be perfectly accurate.  It’s fun like taking out the trash is fun.  Or like sharpening pencils is fun.  Or like brushing your teeth is fun.  It’s not really that you LIKE it or HATE it.  It’s just something that has to be done.  After all, those shelves aren’t going to stock themselves.

So it’s not fun.  But it is easy.  Little effort is required.  So developing those strong feelings of all-caps LIKE or HATE takes a while. In the meantime, the Tiny Tower gamer/victim develops a curious feeling of apathy toward the game.  You don’t play Tiny Tower because you like it.  No, you play it because you just…have to.  It’s an inoffensive chore.  There’s nothing to it.  What the heck.  I’ll stock the shelves once more.  Hey, it keeps the money coming in.

That simplicity is perhaps the most insidious thing about it.  Tap.  Tap.  Scroll.  Tap.  Scroll.  Tap, tap.  Scroll.

Because of this, to the outside observer who can only see the back of your iPhone, playing Tiny Tower actually looks like you’re working on something, like checking email or surfing the web.  Hey, my friends don’t need to know that I’m actually checking to see if any shelves need to be restocked.  What’s this?  The Tea House is out of dumplings!  Tap.  Oh, hello mindless video game addiction!  Pull up a chair!  Put up your feet!

Somebody stop me.  Please.  My brain is turning to pudding.

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Mortal Kombat on The Daily Show

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Posted by AngeloB on July 2, 2011 – 3:58 pm
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by Angelo Baute

 

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Moral Kombat
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

On Thursday night’s The Daily Show, Jon Stewart hilariously weighs in on the Supreme Court’s ruling that California’s law banning the sale of violent video games to minors is unconstitutional.  I was dying of laughter last night when they showed the clip of  Noob Saibot’s X-ray move.  The only thing that could’ve made it funnier is if they used Johnny Cage’s x-ray move.  I mean, who doesn’t appreciate a nice junk shot?  Talk about needing “get some ice”, a man’s gonna need a glacier after feeling that one.  Also, if The Daily Show were really trying to go for shock value, I would’ve suggested using Kitana’s move as the clip.  Seriously,  how the hell is that not a fatality??? Ten years ago, it certainly would have.  I mean, she stabs both of her fans into their eyes!!  Or at the very least, the guy shouldn’t be able to see at all.  I have heard that the eyeballs of today’s Kombatants are sturdier than they were when I was in high school, but that’s just gratuitous.  Well, not really… but gratuitous nonetheless.

What I thought was great about Jon Stewart’s little bit was it really underscores America’s egregious double standard when it comes to censoring sex and violence.  It took seven years for America to recover after 2004′s infamous “Wardrobe Malfunction” at the Super Bowl’s half-time show.  So for those people who saw this clip and got excited (hopefully, not in that sense) about Super Mario Boners, you might have to wait a lot longer than seven years.

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